Being, as we are, social animals, it is natural that there is a certain emotional dependence in our relationships, which makes us need each other. The problem arises when a person is controlled by this need1 , as this translates into fear of loss, loneliness or abandonment, which corrupts the emotional bond to the point of making it vulnerable and pathological from a psychological point of view.
The myth of romantic love (deeply rooted in our culture) leads many people to await the arrival of a prince or princess who will turn them, in turn, into princesses or princes, equating infatuation with love. These passionate longings lead to forgetting some of the really basic conditions in any relationship: the fulfillment of the rights and duties of each other and mutual respect.
Love does not have to be control or compassion, or unreserved surrender, much less submission. However, through emotional dependence, the person falls prey to his or her romantic fantasies and can behave like a child who tries to possess his or her parents exclusively in order to overcome the fear of loneliness and abandonment.
The main protective factors to avoid falling into emotional dependence include a critical review of the idealization of relationships and the promotion of emotional strength2.
Emotional dependence: what it is and what it causes
Although emotional dependence is not strictly speaking a psychological disorder, it is a source of numerous psychological problems and stress in personal relationships, mainly in the area of affective relationships: family, friendships and, especially, relationships with a partner. In many cases, people who establish relationships based on emotional dependence are not aware of it, despite the multiple disorders they may develop, including depression, psychosomatic disorders, anxiety crises or other anxiety disorders.
Before adolescence it is not usually considered a problem, except in extreme cases, but in adults who can enjoy autonomy, emotional dependence is an unhealthy attachment where negative feelings such as pain, anger and fear predominate, within an abusive, possessive and inaccessible environment based on imbalance and inequality3. Emotional dependence leads one person to submit to the other, not only when the latter provides affection and security, but even in cases where rejection and contempt are commonplace. The argument they use is that, in any case, the most important thing is not to lose each other’s company4.
It is important to differentiate between instrumental dependence and emotional dependence. The former is characterized by a lack of autonomy in daily life, insecurity, limited ability to make decisions, assume responsibilities and function effectively. Emotional dependence, on the other hand, is determined, above all, by emotional and motivational elements towards the person on whom one depends as a source of satisfaction and personal security, i.e. to satisfy affective needs. For this reason, emotional dependence does not imply incapacity or the need for help or protection in other aspects of life.
According to some authors, emotional dependence could be defined as a pattern of unsatisfied affective demands that lead the person to desperately seek to satisfy them with close interpersonal relationships5.
Emotionally dependent people
The person does not usually establish a single relationship of emotional dependence, but most of their personal relationships are based on a strong emotional dependence: with parents, friends and with their partners. In these cases we can speak of emotionally dependent people.
Psychological maturity implies, among other things, knowledge and acceptance of one’s own capacities and limitations, autonomy in decision making and competence in the management of emotions and interpersonal relationships.
The emotionally dependent person leaves his/her self-esteem in the hands of others, of the person/s on whom he/she depends. Instead of basing his self-assessment on his own criteria, he bases it on those of others, which gives enormous power to the people on whom he depends (and, unfortunately, human beings tend to abuse power). The evaluations and reactions of others generate intense emotional reactions and determine, in the dependent person, whether he/she feels acceptable or not.
This causes emotional ups and downs which, in turn, cause problems in the individual sphere and alterations in the family sphere, so that depression becomes one of the main expressions of their intense sadness6.
Emotional dependence on the partner and complications
In couple relationships, emotional dependence has also been called obsessive love, since love becomes an addiction and a strong dependence on the person one loves is established. Leaving the relationship generates fear, discomfort and idealization of the happy moments of the past, due to an inability to manage negative emotions. Pathological love develops as an obsession, which makes the dependent person feel the obligation to continuously attract the partner’s attention and control his or her freedom7. Several studies have found that emotional deprivation, low self-esteem and emotional stress can be important psychological factors in the development of emotional dependence, as well as family factors of physical or affective abandonment in childhood.
As a consequence, this type of person loses their identity and assumes subordinate positions in order to maintain the affection and approval of their partner8.
The more effort the dependent person makes to receive affection and approval, or to retain the partner, the more he/she overvalues him/her (people give so much importance to our achievements, among them, our personal relationships, proportionally to the time and effort we have devoted to them), the more intense is the fear of losing him/her, the more he/she needs his/her affection, the more power he/she confers on him/her and the less he/she values him/herself. And the more she goes round and round in this vicious circle, the greater the suffering and loss of self-esteem.
It is important to emphasize that, although this process normally occurs in emotionally dependent people, it can also be suffered by people who are not usually dependent. It is only necessary that the circumstances are conducive to it. It sometimes happens that a person, without realizing it, gives his or her partner an increasingly central role in his or her life and neglects other affective relationships and activities that also contribute to his or her personal fulfillment. If in these circumstances the partner begins to show less interest, it is easy for this person to feel insecure and begin to act to regain his or her partner’s affection and interest. It does not take much more to enter the vicious circle of emotional dependence.
On the other hand, in most cases of relationships based on emotional dependence, we should speak of co-dependence, since on the other side of the relationship there is also dependence, although it is different. Thus, for example, it is frequent that the partner of the dependent person also needs this person to have someone to take care of, control or submit, thinking that as long as he/she depends on him/her, he/she will not lose him/her. In these relationships, arguments and disagreements are common: they do not know how to live together, but even less, apart.
A complication of emotional dependence and co-dependence is abuse. As we have seen, the person on whom one is emotionally dependent receives power over the self-esteem and behavior of the dependent. On certain occasions the abuse of this power can lead to an attitude of superiority and dominance, especially when the power is in the hands of an egocentric and insensitive person, and to the annulment of the other, who lives dependent on the approval and affection of his or her partner. The growing inequality in the relationship is conducive to psychological or physical abuse. Paradoxically, when the abused person is strongly dependent on the abuser, he/she tends to minimize the aggressions and forgive the aggressor, taking the blame for provoking his/her partner’s anger, since nothing is more serious than losing him/her.
Characteristics of dependent relationships
It has been demonstrated that emotional dependence produces physical and psychological damage, and that dependent persons believe that to love is to possess or offer everything, justifying the behaviors of the person on whom they are emotionally dependent, in an idealized manner and presenting intense anguish at the possibility of losing that person. Low self-esteem and fear of abandonment and rejection prevent the person from ending a relationship even when it is clearly unsatisfactory and a source of suffering.
Cognitive distortions or irrational beliefs have been found to be frequent among people with emotional dependence. Of the numerous distortions that reinforce emotional dependency schemas, two were shown to be especially common: the shoulds and the control fallacy.
1) Shoulds. They are considered a cognitive distortion (erroneous thinking or irrational belief) to the extent that it generates information processing with too high, rigid and inflexible expectations of situations or about how things have to happen, where any deviation from these norms is considered unbearable.
People with emotional dependence have specific characteristics in personal relationships to achieve exclusivity or control of the other, demanding constant attention, under the fantasy of controlling the life of the other and their relationships, resulting in frequent excessive and irrational affective demands that would not occur in a mature relationship5. This can also translate into the need to have constant expressions of affection from their partner to reaffirm love and soothe the feeling of insecurity9.
2) Control fallacy. Emotionally dependent people have thoughts such as: “if others would change their attitude I would feel better”, “I am responsible for the suffering of those around me” or “I am a victim of my circumstances”. This leads them to take victimist positions, ignoring their own resources to change and focusing all their attention on achieving a change in their partner’s behavior, in their eagerness to find a security that counteracts the insecurity of the first affective emotional relationships, in which they perhaps configured a resistant anxious attachment10 (with their parents, for example).
Excessive attachment to the partner and the fact of believing that it is for the good of the relationship give rise to a poor idea of oneself, as well as an inability to accept the other as he/she is. As a consequence, the dependent person’s partner becomes saturated, due to the whims that he/she must indulge and the continuous calls, messages and behaviors in search of love and acceptance5. This also helps to understand the emotional ups and downs of the dependent person, as he/she is unable to fully control his/her partner’s life, which causes him/her anxiety.
Diagnosis of emotional dependence
For a good diagnosis of the problem it is necessary to know the early maladaptive patterns of those who have developed emotional dependence. These would be linked to their childhood experiences and would allow understanding their history of relationships and emotional bonds. Only from this knowledge is it possible to guide the intervention in clinical psychology, which should be directed to:
- Modifying their way of interpreting interpersonal situations.
- Manage doubt and fear of rejection.
- Positioning oneself in relationships, to the point of being able to build healthy personal and couple relationships.
Treatment of emotional dependency
Fortunately, with proper psychological treatment, anyone willing to change can overcome their emotional dependence, begin to take control of their life, their personal relationships and regain a positive state of mind.
The objectives of therapy should be aimed at strengthening the resources of the dependent person in terms of self-esteem, assertiveness and capacity for personal fulfillment outside the relationship.
Before establishing the therapeutic plan, it is necessary to explore the history of affective relationships and the person’s attachment style, either to understand how he/she has developed these relationship strategies or to elaborate and overcome traumatic experiences, if any.
To improve self-esteem, the person is guided to improve the internal dialogue and replace the negative bias in their self-evaluation, begin to adequately meet their needs and value their achievements.
On the other hand, assertiveness is the ability to defend one’s own rights, respecting those of others, expressing opinions, feelings, rejecting inappropriate demands, in a clear, direct and timely manner. Assertiveness would be in the middle of the two negative extremes: passivity or submission, on the one hand, and aggressiveness, on the other. For the emotionally dependent person, starting to behave assertively towards his/her partner will trigger the fear of losing him/her and may generate, at first, irrational feelings of fear or guilt, which should be addressed and redirected in therapy sessions.
Encouraging and guiding the dependent person to reactivate family and friendship relationships prior to the beginning of the couple relationship (isolation makes the person more dependent), to regain or pursue hobbies and to progress professionally are also important goals of psychological therapy. This expands opportunities for self-fulfillment, social support and security and, consequently, reduces the relative weight of the partner (or else the parent or other person on whom he or she is emotionally dependent) in the life of the person trapped in an emotionally dependent relationship.