When a couple separates, the children are the main ones affected. A separation is always a time of crisis, grief and loss, both in the life of the parents and in the life of the children involved; since it will mean a significant change in the life of the whole family nucleus. Precisely for this reason, the parents, understanding that the children are the most vulnerable part of the family, should try to preserve them as much as possible from the possible conflicts that may arise during the separation and not involve them either directly or indirectly in the management or process of separation.
Separation: how to act in front of the children
The main thing is to act always looking for the greater benefit of the children. This means, among other things, to involve them as little as possible in a separation conflict. That is to say, not to make them participate in the conflict nor to try to make the children take a position in favor of one or the other. It is common to see parents who are unable to isolate their children from arguments with the other parent. This leads to the children having attitudes that should be avoided, since inevitably, for survival within the conflict, the children tend to take an active position in the conflict, which may later have repercussions on the child’s emotional bond with the custodial parents.
Separation: custody regime
The custody arrangement should be in the best interests of the children involved. Some of the factors to be considered when establishing a custody arrangement are:
- how the family was adjusted prior to the breakup.
- who was the primary caregiver
- what the child’s routines were like
- the child’s age
- the involvement of each parent in the care of the children in terms of quality rather than quantity of hours.
These factors, among others, will implicitly indicate which type of custody arrangement will be a less aggressive change for the children. Although the post-divorce adjustment is something very important to take into account, there are also other very important aspects. In fact, specialists in Psychology state that if the situation is that a father and mother are parentally suitable, have a good emotional bond with their minor child and have the desire and logistical availability to exercise joint custody of their child, this is currently considered to be the most optimal for separating families.
This should be the initial custody regime to choose and look for factors that may discourage it, and not conversely look for elements that favor a custody regime in favor of one or the other parent. If both parents have been involved with quality in the education and emotional bonding of the children, they want to be equally with their parents.
Each family must be analyzed as an isolated case and should not fall into the error of trying to find a perfect magic formula that fits all cases. As mentioned above, if all the requirements are met for joint custody to be possible, this should be the preferred option over any other.
Even so, there are times when, either because of the level of involvement of one of the parents before the separation or for simple logistical reasons (a parent who travels abroad a lot for work), there are times when this regime must be adapted to the best interests of the child. In any case, what should always be preserved is the right of the child to have contact and a healthy bond with both parents and, therefore, even if one of them has sole custody, it should try to encourage and grant a visitation regime that is as broad as possible for the non-custodial parent.
Separation: what attention to devote to the child
Whether or not to be more attentive to the child depends on each individual case. As mentioned above, the best thing to do to protect the child from such a traumatic process as the separation of the parents is to isolate the child from the conflict between the adults. If this is done, there is a good chance that the child will assume the separation in a healthy way, without blaming or positioning him/herself towards any of the parties. Even so, it is likely that implicitly or explicitly, the child will not accept the parental separation and this is something that will require time, like any other grief. During this process, the best thing parents can do is to show their child that he or she has not lost either parent and that he or she will continue to count on both parents even though they are no longer together, so that the child can gradually come to terms with the new situation.