Don Quixote is not a philosophy book, but it tells stories that make us think. It is part of the readings of school time, but it is much more enjoyable if one takes it up again as an adult, perceiving other nuances from a different degree of maturity. Between Don Quixote and his faithful squire Sancho, a friendship is forged little by little through their dealings and conversation along the road they share. Cervantes could not even suspect that, with his legendary story, he was bequeathing a model of friendship and coexistence to universal literature.
Values such as gratitude, courtesy, patience, courage, bravery, truth, humility, fidelity and duty, so sometimes forgotten, and so important in relationships with others; and, fundamental, of course, in friendship.
How do friendships evolve over time?
Probably the most sincere, innocent and selfless friendships are the ones we make as children, and we tend to keep very special memories of them. Some studies have identified that, around the age of 4, children choose their friends for their willingness to share, to be honest and to help. If we analyze it, they value in others the ability to act without selfishness. At that age, and with their day-to-day experiences, they begin to understand the fundamentals of the bond.
As time goes by, and little by little, problems related to friendship may appear, which parents, teachers or caregivers should be able to detect, so it is convenient to be attentive.
What does friendship mean in adolescence?
Once we reach adolescence, friendship helps us to introspect and usually favors the learning of more complex social skills.
On many occasions one “outgrows” adolescence when one is able to do what one thinks one should do, with maturity and without the fear of being rejected by the peer group, i.e., without fear of being rejected by friends for doing so.
Adult life probably involves more relationships with many more people, but the intensity with which these relationships are usually perceived is much less than in the previous stage. Adolescents very often experience many situations or relationships in a more intense way.
And where do adults make friends?
Adult friendships are often forged in the work environment, where work and personal life are often intermingled, although adults also keep friendships from the past and meet people in their free time, through third parties or leisure situations (hobbies or sports, usually).
What are friendships like in later life?
At this time, people become more selective and tend to keep the friendships that are beneficial to them, and to separate themselves from people who do not make them happy. A common reason for consultation at this time of life is precisely the difficulty in separating from conflictive or superficial friendships. In these cases, psychologists tend to recommend giving priority to quality over quantity. Actually, we always recommend this, but in this vital moment it is very important for our elders to feel supported and protected by healthy friendships that help them to feel good.
Why do we sometimes meet again with a good friend from the past, believing that the magic of the first years of adolescence or adulthood will still be there and we feel as if we have a stranger by our side?
It doesn’t always happen, but sometimes you meet an old friend again and it’s as if the years haven’t passed. However, if it happens, it is probably because both people met at the time of life when one changes the most (in adolescence or early adulthood) and each has evolved in a different way.
This usually happens when there has not been frequent contact or, if there has been, it has been very superficial.
Social networks often feed the idea of an authentic and sincere relationship from the past, which is sometimes unrealistic, but to which people cling because accepting that they have nothing in common with that person and ceasing to have contact with him or her is often painful, as they refer to a sense of loss, as if they were erasing a part of their history.
Ingredients of a true friendship
There is a consensus on 4 characteristics:
- Sincerity
- Trust
- Reciprocity
- Fidelity
When a friendship breaks down, often one of those four pillars has fallen. Sometimes, one can fix it by talking to the friend. Other times, the friendship is broken for good.
Based on these four ingredients, we can stop and think about whether a particular friendship is worthwhile by answering these questions about your friend:
- Does he show me sincerity?
- Can I trust him or does he make me distrustful?
- Is the relationship reciprocal, or is it asymmetrical?
- Does he love and appreciate me for who I am, or for my circumstances?
When one gives and does not receive (or receives because the other party has some interest beyond pure friendship) it is sensible to consider ending the relationship.
I think it is important to be clear about several aspects in a friendship relationship:
- The difference between friends and acquaintances.
- To be clear also that many friendships do not last forever (especially if one is young).
- That friendship arises in a natural way between people.
- It should be nurtured and cared for
Anything we can do, as adults, for our friends?
Undoubtedly, to be available for them whenever they might really need us.
Sometimes, because of the particular moment in life, you can’t see them as much as you would like to or you can’t talk to them as much as you would like to, but staying in touch in some way, and always being available to support or help them when they have a problem or a need, is good advice. Why? Because, in the words of Francis Bacon, “Friendship doubles joys and halves sorrows.”