Couples therapy is a type of brief psychotherapy that helps couples of all types to recognize and manage their conflicts and increase their satisfaction.
We talk about “managing” conflicts and not “resolving” conflicts because it is to be expected to encounter conflicts on a daily basis. Conflicts are opportunities to get to know the couple better and can help meet needs. How the couple manages these conflicts can be problematic.
When is couples counseling recommended?
A couple may consider counseling:
1. when negativity and discomfort has increased in conversations.
2. When there is a fear of talking about certain topics.
3. When they want to decide whether to continue together or separate.
4. When an infidelity is contemplated or has been consummated.
5. When there has been a major change in sexual relations.
Most couples come to my office to:
1. Improve their communication
2. Resolve disagreements on how to raise their children. 3.
3. Manage conflicts about how and when to relate to each other’s families of origin.
4. They want to recover the spark of the relationship
5. They do not want to repeat models learned from their parents
6. Infidelity
7. Jealousy
Sometimes it is only one of the two partners who attends a first consultation after having tried in vain to convince the couple to go to therapy. In that session, the way in which he/she has invited him/her is explored and alternatives are suggested. When the couple who initially did not want to attend perceives some positive change, they become curious to attend the sessions.
The Road to Breakup
Relationships can end at any time. Research indicates that there are two high-risk times: at 5-7 years and at 10-12 years.
It is not the conflict that leads a couple to fall out of love, but some patterns of behaviors and emotions present in the way they manage it. Of the many negative behaviors (contempt, criticism, dominance, defensiveness, complaining, tension, fear, anger, sadness, etc.), researchers have identified four as predictive of separation: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and avoidance.
Predicting stability
One factor that predicts long-term stability is the presence of positive affect and behaviors. Thus, we can observe that in happy couples the ratio of positive to negative interactions is 20 to 1, in conflictual couples it is 5 to 1 and in couples about to separate it is 0.8 to 1.