It will be enlightening to reflect on the terms “emotional dependence” and “codependence” and their common usage. For example, “codependency” is widely used in the field of addictions, referring to courageous mothers who give everything for their addicted child, who are absolutely dependent on their child for whom they live in a self-sacrificing and totally altruistic way.
Codependency also occurs in areas other than addictions. We could qualify codependents as self-sacrificing, their motives being altruistic even with a pathological disregard for their own needs. While emotional dependents are people very focused on their emotional needs, motivated to preserve the relationship, not to lose it.
Caring and giving oneself would be an end for the codependent person and only a means for the emotional dependent.
What does emotional dependency consist of?
The emotional dependent person is someone who has not been able to develop a personal project of his own in which the other person has a place as part of that project. He/she lives totally dependent on the acceptance or rejection of the person to whom he/she devotes all his/her attention to check whether he/she receives his/her affection or rejection.
The emotionally dependent patient will constantly complain about his/her partner, but will not even want to hear about leaving the relationship because he/she fears loneliness, believes that he/she will not be able to find another partner, feels helpless and this paralyzes him/her before the possibility of separating. The consequence of this situation is the submission to the other person, not necessarily an extreme submission but something more subtle, a way of taking care of him/her over his/her own needs, without being able to express what he/she is, feels or thinks.
The causes of this situation of dependence or submission are specific according to each personal history, that is to say, in each person emotional dependence is reached in a specific and unique way. Some people are paralyzed by the mere possibility of having to contradict anyone, due to a personality trait formed in their childhood in which they had no possibility of contradicting their caregivers. In contrast, others who had childhoods with threats to integrity such as a war may always choose to relate to protective figures and not want to be separated for anything, even if abused, because “without him I am in danger”. Emotional dependence has a different cause in each person, sometimes because of a sexual intimacy of great intensity, because of sacrifice towards the other or because of the narcissistic need to have a partner who looks successful in front of others.
Why does someone stay hooked to a person, obsessively waiting for his or her love, suffering with every sign of rejection or distancing?
What is the treatment of emotional dependence?
First of all, with an emotionally dependent patient, he/she should not be encouraged to leave the relationship he/she is in, as this can precipitate a state of greater confusion. As I said, it will be necessary to work on the fantasies, the specific anxieties or the history of each patient that has led him/her to take this position of submission.
The therapeutic work would consist of helping the patient to become aware of the reasons for this situation of subjugation. It is not always advisable, or the best option, something as traumatic as separation, often the help will consist of teaching the patient to listen to the other, to take him/her into account without annulling his/her own desires and to continue being oneself, different from the other person, but with his/her virtues and limitations. Helping the patient to understand that when the other person shows a feeling of affection or rejection towards him/her, he/she is not reflecting what he/she deserves, but it has to do with what the other person is or needs, what is happening to him/her and not what you deserve.
It will be necessary to help him/her understand that the causes of the other person’s behavior are not related to acceptance or rejection of him/her and are due to what he/she deserves or does not deserve. It is not a matter of making the patient see how much he/she is worth, but of not giving the other person the power to decide how much he/she is worth or not worth. This will help the patient to have small experiences in which he/she will begin to evaluate him/herself, and together with the therapy will allow the patient to free him/herself from the subjugation he/she has always lived.
There are narcissistic patients who, when they are made to see their subjection, react with a minimal modification of behavior out of pure voluntarism, confronting the situation and even separating from their partner. However, they do not make a real change that would help them to continue their life liberated and without realizing why they attribute so much power to the other, without realizing how they see themselves and how they see the rest.
The specialist in Psychology must have the ability to make the patient feel that he/she is the one who is progressing and achieving greater autonomy, and that this change is not only because of the therapist’s help, teaching him/her to differentiate his/her desires from those of the other, even from those of the specialist himself/herself.