Arguing is a normal process in any human relationship and having differences with your partner is normal, as psychologist Haizea Gómez explains. When we start dating someone and we are in the stage of falling in love we think that arguments are alien to our relationship, but the real problem arises when we are faced with them and we do not know exactly what to do.
As Haizea points out, the problem appears when tension grows and confrontations become habitual quarrels, full of hurtful phrases, feelings of guilt and there is no room for communication and understanding.
When discussing it is important to consider respect and affection as fundamental limits so that dissent does not damage the couple’s relationship. It is also necessary to consider the how (be calm and don’t argue in the heat of the moment), the when (at night is not a good time) and the form (better in person than by Whatsapp or phone conversation).
Guidelines for building a strong and healthy bond in couple relationships: ‘time out’ technique.
This technique requires involvement on both sides of the couple and above all a certain degree of maturity. Love, like friendship or work relationships, requires a dose of daily effort.
The first step in applying this technique is understanding. It consists of that the couple assumes that in a relation the discussions are habitual, it is something normal and habitual, and for that reason the psychologist insists in that the important thing is not to lose the manners nor to disrespect each other. Sometimes when we argue for our partner we feel overwhelmed by emotion and that makes us end up bringing out the worst part of us, which is exactly what we will try to avoid with this technique.
Once we accept that arguments are a natural process in any relationship, the next step is to anticipate it. That is to say, during the next argument with the partner a moment should be dedicated to talk about it and agree on a time-out, which would imply that before the anger grows and becomes more intense to stop and talk about how to manage this conflict.
For example, both partners could agree that the next time they find themselves in a situation similar to the one that led to the last argument they stop (as if stopping a stopwatch) to calm down and be with each other.
How to manage that ‘time out’?
The first thing to do is to talk with our partner and decide how long we are going to stop. It is preferable that it does not exceed 24 hours because it can generate a feeling of avoidance.
What can be done during this ‘time out’ is:
- Do something that allows us to calm down and reduce our level of anger.
- Take a piece of paper and write down how we feel in that situation and why we feel that way.
- Once we have these feelings identified, the next exercise would be to put ourselves in our partner’s shoes and think about how he/she feels.
At the time of the subsequent meeting, it would be interesting to take the two sheets of paper we have written (how I felt and how my partner felt) and talk about it. Basically it would consist of expressing ourselves and allowing the other person to give us his or her opinion.
With this technique we will be able to disconnect, interrupt the anger and the intensity that the discussion could take and reach a level of understanding with our partner that will allow us to strengthen our relationship.