Sexuality is an important part of a couple’s relationship. According to Sternberg’s love triangle theory, three factors must be present in a complete relationship:
- Passion: sexual or romantic desire of great intensity, accompanied by the search for physical and/or emotional union with the other.
- Intimacy: trust in and closeness to the other, coupled with empathy and concern for how the other feels.
- Commitment: the work and responsibility involved in maintaining the bond with the partner.
However, problems related to sexuality are much more frequent than we usually think and many people do not give them the importance they deserve, either because they are ashamed or because they minimize them. In general, by the time they consult a specialist, the problem has become chronic and has generated a high level of emotional discomfort.
The most common sexual problems in a couple
Lack of sexual desire
It is common for one of the people in a couple to have a lack of sexual desire or appetite. This is not usually a problem for the person him/herself, since he/she does not perceive it as such, but it is usually a problem for his/her partner, who often interprets the lack of desire of the other person as his/her own problem. At that moment, thoughts such as ”it is because of me”, ”he is not attracted to me” or ”I don’t know if I am what he wants” arise, which usually leads to an increase in insecurity and lack of self-esteem.
However, when we dig a little deeper, we often discover that the member with a lack of sexual desire has had or has major stressors in his or her life that keep him or her from self-care and prevent him or her from having moments of relaxation. Often, we even find that the couple does not even have moments of intimacy anymore.
It is essential to take these aspects into account when evaluating the problem because, if one’s basic physiological needs such as sleep are not covered and there are no moments of intimacy with one’s partner, it is difficult to have sexual desire that favors encounters with the other person. For this reason, many times the first thing to do is to carry out a proper stress management and change some guidelines.
Erection problems
Erection problems are usually related to certain situations in which we have certain expectations that are not met and, as a result, we deploy a whole series of harmful thoughts such as ”I have been unable to maintain an erection in our last sexual encounter, could it be that I am impotent”, ”as a man I should always have perfect erections” or ”What if my partner no longer likes having sex with me or is not attracted to me?”.
In most of the occasions the problem does not arise from an isolated time in which the erection was not achieved, but in the interpretation that is made of that situation and how that interpretation can condition the person in the face of future sexual relations.
Generally, there is a lot of shame, guilt or unrealistic expectations about how sex should be and it is difficult for us to accept that there are sexual relations in which we enjoy more and in others less, depending on the situation and the vital moment we are going through.
For this reason, it is important to naturalize and educate psychologically about sexuality, because understanding is 50% of the work and allows us to be able to relax, which is fundamental to achieve erection.
Vaginismus
Vaginismus is a sexual problem in which the muscles of the vagina contract and tighten involuntarily in response to sexual penetration, a gynecological examination, or the insertion of a tampon. It is usually associated with previous painful or even traumatic sexual experiences, as well as poor knowledge about one’s own body and myths about sexuality.
In these cases the woman has to start exploring her body, guided by a sex therapist, feel comfortable and safe and go at her own pace, respecting her own time. In addition, it is important to carry out an adequate sex education, demystifying erroneous beliefs about sexuality.
In complex cases where there have been traumatic experiences, it is necessary to work on the trauma and get the patient to understand the relationship between her experiences and the consequences it has generated, while emotionally processing her experience.
It is important to place control in the woman and define how she would like her relationship with sexuality to be, restructuring her present beliefs, in case they interfere functionally and emotionally.
For more information on the main sexual dysfunctions click here.
Harassment in couple relationships
It is considered that there is harassment or violence within the couple when there are coercive strategies that involve harassing, manipulating or controlling the other individual, restricting their freedom, making them responsible for their own actions or not respecting their times, spaces, relationships, way of being and dressing.
Violence usually starts almost imperceptibly, with comments such as ”I don’t like or don’t feel good when you go out with your friends and I stay at home”, ”I responded aggressively because you provoked me”, ”Why are you wearing that skirt?” or ”Send me a picture so I can see that you are with your friends”. However, it tends to escalate, with the highest levels corresponding to physical aggression and even death.
For this reason, we must be attentive to the first signs of violence, as we are very desensitized to psychological violence, which can do the same or even more damage than physical violence.
When something is not going well within the relationship, I do not feel really free, or I feel controlled and not respected by my partner, I have self-esteem problems or I doubt my judgment, these may be signs of violence or harassment. In these cases it is important that the person follows his or her intuition when seeking help, and does not expect the other person to see it the same way, since in many cases there is an attempt to minimize the problem or place the responsibility on the victim.
In these cases in which there is violence it is not advisable to carry out couple therapy, unless the violence comes from both parties and both are aware and have the commitment to relate in a different way. In situations like this, a non-violence contract is usually signed, where both people must guarantee that they will not use aggression in the therapeutic process.
The specialist should provide alternative tools to be used in moments of impulsivity, such as the time-out technique, which involves distancing oneself from the conflict situation, not resuming the conversation until both members are relaxed and express this, moving on to rational conversations that lead to improving their conflicts.
As for individual therapy, when the victim is one and is in or has left an abusive relationship, a very complete work must be done that includes: finding a safe zone, looking for pillars on which she can lean, working on the consequences of the violence and giving her back her security and power over herself.