There are some complex topics that are sometimes difficult to discuss with children, such as death, divorce or sex. As difficult as it may seem, it is important to be honest and transparent, to prevent the child from being affected or seeking information on his or her own.
To clarify how to deal with these situations with children, psychologist Claudia Portillo of the Rodriguez Vidondo Psychology Center, solves the most common questions among parents and adults.
Is it important to talk to children about difficult topics?
Yes, it is important to talk to children about difficult topics. There is no recommended age as such, the sooner we get used to dealing with difficult topics naturally, the better, as long as we adapt the information we give them to the evolutionary stage they are in.
Should we wait for them to ask?
It is not necessary to wait for them to ask questions, although if they do, it is essential to answer them and resolve their doubts and concerns calmly and sincerely. Many opportunities may arise in the day to day to explain to them things that they are going to see and hear around them or that perhaps they are considering. We can take advantage of any moment to address important topics with them, for example, watching the news, when they tell us anecdotes from school or friends, watching a movie as a family, etc.
When and how should we talk about death?
It is never easy to talk to children about the death of a loved one (or a pet), but we must do it in a sincere way and explain that the person is not coming back. If we have religious beliefs we can transmit them, but making it clear that the person has passed away and they are not going to see them again. With this we must be direct, even if it is hard, otherwise false expectations or ideas may be generated that generate anguish about where the person is and why he/she is not coming back. We must not lie to them, although it is not necessary for them to know all the details, the information must be adapted to their age.
In case your loved one is going through a terminal illness it is also good to prepare them, but we must do it when we already know that death is imminent. Doing it before can cause them a lot of anguish due to the uncertainty involved.
Once we have passed on the news of the death of someone close to them, it is important to explain how they may feel and to normalize the fact that they miss that person and that they are sad, angry or scared. We should let them express themselves and cry and let them know that they can talk to us about the person who is gone whenever they need to.
As for us, we can cry in front of them, but without overflowing so as not to transmit our anguish to them.
How should we deal with children after a divorce?
It is important to ask them how they feel and if they have any doubts. In those moments they usually have many questions about what is going to happen next, so we should try to solve them as far as possible and convey to them that, even if mom and dad separate as a couple, they will continue to be their parents and love them exactly the same.
We can give a brief explanation that sometimes couples stop understanding each other, getting along or wanting the same things, and since mom and dad are no longer good together, they have decided that the best thing to do is to separate. However, it is essential to keep adult problems between adults; in no way should children be involved in the couple’s conflicts that have led to the divorce or that follow. They should always be kept out of arguments and loyalty conflicts arising from having to side with either parent or deciding who they want to be with.
When is it advisable to talk about sexuality?
In order to talk about sexuality with them, it is important to take into account both the attitude with which we approach the subject and the content we transmit to them. It is important to approach sexuality in a natural way so that it does not become taboo and they do not feel it as something shameful or something to hide. It will be necessary to transmit them that we are available to solve all their doubts and that they will always be able to turn to us in case they have questions or difficulties. If at any time they turn to us, we should welcome them without judgment and respond in a clear and brief manner, adapting the language, tone and depth to their age.
In terms of content, it should be kept in mind that sexual information in formal settings is often based exclusively on safety issues (e.g., prevention of unwanted pregnancies and STD transmission). Although it is essential to cover these aspects with reliable information, in order to give them a quality affective-sexual education it is also necessary to include affection, pleasure, consent, respect for others and for themselves, etc.
Nowadays children are constantly receiving information of all kinds about sexuality through movies, music, pornography, what friends tell them, etc., and what they see and hear is not always in line with reality and does not always represent healthy and desirable roles and values. We cannot always protect them from being exposed to certain content, so it will be necessary to take an active approach in providing them with complete and truthful information to protect them and promote healthy affective-sexual relationships in all senses.
What about issues such as depression or anxiety?
Mental health issues are surrounded by misinformation and stigma, which generates prejudice and shame when it comes to expressing that we are not well or that we are seeing a professional. It is important to talk about all of this with the same naturalness with which we talk about any physical health issue. We should avoid making value judgments towards people with mental disorders or who go to therapy and normalize the need for help when we are having a bad time. In addition, we must build a climate of trust and listening where children can express discomfort without fear of not being understood or being invalidated. We must let them express when they are sad, anxious or angry without judging them for it or pressuring them to feel otherwise as soon as possible.
Paradoxically, if we feel an unpleasant emotion and allow ourselves to feel it, it decreases. If, on the other hand, we judge ourselves for feeling it and try to fight it, the discomfort increases. That is why it is necessary to convey that sometimes it is okay to be unpleasant. The objective is not to not feel unpleasant emotions but to learn to understand and manage them, and when they overwhelm us or we do not understand their origin, we go to the psychologist just as we would go to the doctor if we have a stomach ache.
What are the consequences of not talking about these issues or treating them superficially?
If we do not talk to them about these issues, or if we do so with nervousness and discomfort, it will not stop them from asking questions or feeling discomfort. They will continue to have doubts, questions and problems and if they cannot turn to us to resolve them they will turn to sources that may not be reliable or desirable or they will end up keeping quiet and disconnecting from their emotions and needs.
In addition, if we approach these issues from anguish or avoidance we will be conveying to them that there is something to be ashamed of and we will turn them into taboo subjects, which in the long run puts them at risk.
How can a psychologist help?
Children and adolescents can go through many situations that they do not understand or that overwhelm them and in which a specialist in Psychology can help them.
Overly demanding studies, problems with friends and classmates, the loss of a loved one, the first breakups or emotional rejection, separation from parents, etc., are situations that children may find difficult to understand and handle and that if they become complicated can lead to other symptoms or disorders.
It is normal for them to feel discomfort when unpleasant things happen to them and they should be given time to process them, but if we observe sudden changes in their behavior (we see that they are very quiet, more conflictive, very isolated…), or we think that their suffering is going on longer than expected, it may be necessary to consult a professional.
Sometimes at home they do not manage to put words to what they feel because they do not understand it or because they are afraid of worrying us. In those cases, therapy becomes a safe place to bring order to their emotional chaos and begin to understand and manage it without judgment, without rushing and without pressure.