The discovery of the lifeless body at the bottom of the sea of one of the girls who disappeared in April in Tenerife has shocked Spain in recent days. The trail of both sisters was lost when they were with their father. The main hypothesis, which is still under investigation, would indicate that the father could have ended their lives with the sole intention of hurting the mother, who has not ceased her search since the disappearance. The case has also generated controversy around the fact of including this type of aggression in gender violence or not. However, in recent weeks there has also been another similar case, this time in Sant Joan Despí, in which the mother killed her daughter to injure the father.
This type of violence is called vicarious violence. Psychologist Irene Giménez, a member of Top Doctors specializing in gender violence and a psychologist at the Institut Dr. Natalia Ribé, explains in depth the mechanisms at work in this type of aggression and how to protect children in this type of situation.
What is defined as vicarious violence?
It is a type of violence, both physical and psychological, in which one person assaults another or others, with the sole objective of inflicting pain on a third person.
Unfortunately, it is a specific type of violence often linked to male violence, where the father uses the children in order to inflict pain on the mother. It ranges from the instrumentalization of the children to its maximum expression, which would be patricide.
Why are children often the main victims of this type of violence, which is used as “revenge” to hurt the other parent?
First of all, it is important not to lose sight of the fact that in relation to violence in general, but gender violence in particular, children are not mere observers, they are victims. Sometimes primary, in that they are also assaulted. And, at other times, secondary.
And it is here where it fails, stating that the problems or aggressions of the father to the mother are one thing, but that the right of a father to see his hijx, is another. And it is not so. If the mother is a victim, so is the child. And, therefore, he must be protected.
That said, in cases of vicarious violence, children end up being objectified. They are not persons but instruments, weapons. The perfect weapon to kill the mother… in life. What is a mother’s greatest treasure, if not her greatest treasure? With whom does she have the greatest attachment, the greatest bond? Where does a mother’s unconditional love go? Towards the children.
What goes on in the mind of the aggressor to decide to harm her own children?
It is important to bear in mind that, just as an aggressor may have an associated psychopathology, it is not a sine qua non condition. Neither does consumption have to be a sine qua non.
In the case of the girls in Tenerife, the problem is machismo, no more and no less. Excessive anger, irrational jealousy, lack of impulse control, low tolerance to frustration and the macho beliefs on which the abuser’s behavior is based (“either you are mine or you belong to no one”, “you can’t leave me”, etc.).
Can cases of vicarious violence be prevented, can we “see them coming”?
Although obviously we will not always be able to “see it coming” in all cases, it is important to emphasize, as I pointed out at the beginning, that in relation to gender violence, children are always victims, always. And, as such, they must be protected.
Another key point that, unfortunately, is sometimes not addressed as it should be is that of threats. If someone says they are going to do something, you must always act, you must give veracity to the threat. Surely there will be many cases in which it is just that, a threat, but how do you know before it happens? The principle of prudence must prevail.
And, of course, we must continue to invest much more in prevention and education, already in schools, from an early age, we must educate in equality, real equality.
Why is vicarious violence not sufficiently condemned? In Spain, for example, it is not included in the Penal Code and, in certain autonomous communities, it is not considered part of gender violence.
Because until now it has not been considered to be linked to gender violence, so that children who experience this type of violence, I insist, have been and continue to be often unprotected.
For this type of violence to be condemned, we must be inflexible with male violence. If the father mistreats the mother, he cannot be a good father. It is indissoluble.
From education, in schools, institutes, companies. And, very importantly, also at the level of the victims’ environment. That is also where more awareness-raising efforts should be directed. If you see violence, you must report it. If someone tells you they are being abused, believe them. And, above all, we must listen more to children.