In general, how does one overcome a grief process? Bereavement is always a difficult process, regardless of when it occurs. Human beings need “closure”, the idea that everything has a beginning and an end.
The feeling of an unfinished process generates an emotional state of certain uncertainty that is sometimes more difficult to manage than the end itself, or at least adds a further degree of discomfort.
Therefore, in all societies there are certain “rituals” to make this process a little less difficult.
The first step in a bereavement, therefore, is a ceremony. Regardless of what kind of ceremony it is, since every culture does it differently, but it always exists in some form.
This is the way we have to put the finishing touch to a stage. It does not mean that once the stage is closed the pain disappears, it is more like when we make a wound and put a band-aid on it, the band-aid is already on (ceremony), and what is left now is to wait for the wound to heal naturally.
The ceremony of mourning includes honoring the deceased in some way.
Saying goodbye will help to ease the pain of the loss
Some societies focus on celebrating what that person contributed in life while others mourn their loss, although the two are intermingled to a greater or lesser extent.
After that ceremony, mourning consists of restructuring one’s life without that person, perhaps changing routines, putting the necessary affairs in order and, in short, moving forward.
We try to be as functional as possible as far as we can, and also allow ourselves moments of weakness. It is always necessary to give space to the unpleasant emotions that arise, so that once this space has been given, we can continue.
But given the current situation in which we find ourselves as a result of the coronavirus, how can the families who have not had the opportunity to say goodbye manage their grief? Does the fact that they have not been able to see him in the hospital also have an influence?
Since the state of alarm began, death (whether from Covid-19 or other causes) has become much more dehumanized. We are not allowed to accompany our loved ones on their deathbed, they are not given thanatopraxy, and we are not allowed to see them one last time before burial or cremation.
In short, we are forbidden to say goodbye and to be said goodbye to before, during and after death. The process from the time the person dies until he or she is buried or cremated lasts a few hours, less than 24 or even 12 on many occasions, and we are not involved in practically anything. Too fast and cold to assimilate so much.
To this never-ending process is added guilt. So many people are dying in hospitals, nursing homes or other institutions without a loved one by their side.
This obviously must be very hard on the person on their deathbed, but it also leaves enormous guilt and helplessness in the family and friends who have not been allowed to be there.
You can find your mother dying in a hospital that is 5 minutes from your home, but not being able to go. To be so close and so far away at the same time, to feel that you are abandoning someone so important at a time when they may need you the most. Grief is painful, always, but in this situation uncertainty, guilt and helplessness are added to the pain itself.
How does one deal with this loss and what advice can one follow to cope with it?
There is no right way to approach grief and each of us may need different things to bring closure to the same process. As a recommendation, I think it is important that, even if there cannot be an official farewell ceremony, everyone should make their own individual farewell and dedicate some time to honor the deceased.
It can be by holding a candle, writing a letter, talking to a photo, talking to other affected loved ones, or a little bit of everything, but something.
We need to feel that we have said goodbye
That farewell may include an apology and explanation of why we have not been there in the last moments, not because we are guilty, far from it, but because we need to believe ourselves too that we are not.
Duels are full of “I should have done…” and even if we know the theory, guilt knows very well where to attack us, and we may believe that we have done things wrong that were totally beyond our control.
Confinement leaves us a lot of free time to turn our heads, and a head with time on its hands at a bad time is very dangerous.
On the one hand, as much as we can it is important to keep busy, if it can be with something active, so much the better. On the other hand, we need to devote some space to the pain of loss and all the emotions that go with it and allow ourselves to feel them.
If we have a bad day, we allow ourselves to have a bad day, because we are human.
And of course, to remind ourselves that we have done the best we could or knew how given the circumstances, that there are things that are not up to us and that life is unfair and wonderful at the same time, but with that we have to dance as best we can and move on.