Dr. Miralpeix García explains how parents should deal with the conflictive attitude of their adolescent child.
Adolescence
Adolescence is the stage of life between the ages of 11 and 18. It is a stage full of complexities due to the enormous changes that the person undergoes both physically and psychically. There are also alterations at a social level both in the relationship with peers and teachers as well as in their family environment, especially in the relationship with their parents.
In general terms, we could say that the most conflictive period of adolescence is between 11 and 15 years of age. It is the time of puberty, a time of major physical changes and when the relationship with parents can be more difficult.
There is a second stage between the ages of 15 and 18 years in which the adolescent becomes progressively more stable, can better understand and share the events around him, and his identity is being formed. The relationship with parents is less conflictual, although sometimes they may question some rules that set necessary limits.
Parent-adolescent relationship
The attitude of the parents is fundamental to help the adolescent to develop as a person, that is to say, to help him/her to better face his/her vital circumstances so that he/she can be independent in an adequate way and to be able to relate correctly with his/her social environment.
At this stage, it is important that they have patience, hope and perseverance. We can and should listen to them, advise them, but knowing that they have to experiment and learn from their experience. We must never belittle them, nor preach to them. Respect is fundamental. Value the positive.
The adolescent listens and observes his parents much more than we sometimes think and learns from their example, without realizing it, he ends up imitating or opposing his parents’ model. All this leads us to consider that we must take into account our attitude and reflect on whether we are the way we want our children to be.
Dealing with the adolescent requires a mixture of flexibility and firmness but also coherence and clarity. We cannot give contradictory or arbitrary orders as it suits us or get carried away by our nerves and start shouting.
Dialoguing and negotiating is a job that pays off, albeit slowly. If we see that we are going to lose our temper, it is better to postpone the issue and continue talking another day. Exposing our reasons to our child to forbid him/her something, makes him/her be able to assume that prohibition in a more adult way.
Psychological therapy
It may be useful to consult a psychologist if the situation is especially complicated by the child’s behavior or if the parents have doubts or need to be heard. Obviously, the education of an adolescent puts parents to the test and they need to be able to contrast their ideas with someone who can help them find another point of view to alleviate the situation. This would be psychological counseling to the parents through interviews in which the child is not present and vice versa. This approach allows each party to speak more freely without the other party feeling offended or hurt. In this case, the interviews with the parents would be at specific moments. Psychological work is done primarily with the adolescent.
Psychotherapy is a treatment where the therapist listens and helps the person, through verbal interventions, to elaborate his/her feelings and thoughts. This helps the person to open new perspectives to situations that he/she felt closed and overwhelmed before. Relational changes can then be produced and above all at a personal level that improve the self-concept and self-esteem of the individual.
If the adolescent does not present a cooperative attitude and refuses to come to the interviews, it would be convenient to analyze the situation and see how he/she can be helped by his/her parents. In many cases, interviews with parents help to clarify what circumstances at the family level may be affecting the adolescent’s behavior.