Why is living with family members more complicated?
Living together will become increasingly difficult because of the psychological and emotional strain of being in a permanent state of alert, living in a new situation in which we have all abandoned our routine, but especially because of the weight of uncertainty.
In our normal life we have a sense of security and control. That is what we have suddenly lost. In addition, there is the management of fear itself, of getting sick (or in your case, of not being able to overcome the coronavirus because of the contagion), of economic ruin, and even coping with the loss of loved ones.
Therefore, we will go through different states and stages. From initial denial, to despondency, to moments of venting and hyperactivity, which will not manifest themselves at the same time in all members of the family. It is essential to understand this in order to manage the clashes or small arguments that arise in the day to day life at home.
Those families that previously had serious unresolved conflicts or poor emotional communication will be at greater risk. In these cases it is advisable to ask for psychological support.
How can we manage a confinement of at least 15 days with your family? Tips for improving family relationships during confinement
- Make sure that all family members have understood and are applying the safety rules and abide by the confinement. This will involve in some cases calling to order those who try to continue to expose themselves. Lovingly, but firmly: I don’t want you to get sick… You do NOT need to go out… Accept that this is serious not only for you but for us. What you do affects us…. You can infect us…. Responsibility and group conscience.
- Maintain a minimum routine with flexibility (I observe that some parents, in their eagerness to keep the children busy, may be imposing multi-activity and rigidity). Wake up, shower, get dressed. No staying in pajamas. Routine cleaning and tidying of the house, shared, involving all members of the family who can participate (from two years old children learn to pick up their toys, for them it is a game).
- Be careful with manners: insults, shouting and hitting are forbidden. Try to reach an agreement, agree on tasks and talk about what bothers the other (before losing control). Recognize that hitting does not solve anything and it does hurt. When you insult, yell and hit you are simply demonstrating your lack of control and overflow. You instill fear in your children and damage relationships, this fear and violence builds up and you are sure to make things much worse.
- Warn and give clues to others about your own state of mind: Others are not fortune tellers, they cannot know what is going on inside us, nor how our anxiety fluctuates. Therefore, if you notice that you are more impatient, sad, angry, with little desire to do things, say it! And ask them to give you some space that day, or if you feel like talking, let it out, do not lose the right to complain; cry if necessary, but do not try to fight against yourself. If it is possible because of your physical condition or risk factors, that “black” day, offer yourself to go out to take out the garbage, take the dog out or buy bread. A little ventilation will do you good.
- Beware of substance abuse. Alcohol and drugs always multiply the risk of greater behavioral lack of control. Although those who consume substances do so seeking “anesthesia” for pain, anxiety and discomfort, what they really get in the short term is a greater sense of lack of control and distress that will lead to greater aggression, impulsivity and violence that will be endured by family members.
- Start each day from scratch. If you had a bad day yesterday, today does not have to be the same, do not accumulate. Give yourself the opportunity to recycle and rewind. This makes it possible for family members to work in relay, so you can take care of the children, for example, while your partner gets some oxygen or spends a bad day. Don’t force yourselves to be emotionally synchronized. That’s different from functioning as a team and as a family. It’s about taking care of each other.
- You will have to develop your empathic capacity. That means, not only looking inward, but also sensing what the other person needs at that moment, and if possible, providing it. It can be space, moments of solitude, or on the contrary, talking, or a hug. Or that you bring him out of his despondency by injecting joy, a joke, music or play…..Intuition, putting yourself in the other’s shoes, is empathy.
How can we create our own space at home by living with family members?
Psychological space does not necessarily have to coincide with physical space. We must be aware that in normal life we already have created these spaces, which we use according to our needs.
- The spaces created to be together are usually the kitchen, the dining room, the living room, a garden or terrace….. Recover, if you had lost those moments of sharing meals with the family, cooking with the children, playing, watching TV or a movie while eating popcorn, going out to sunbathe on the terrace or in the garden and “being with”.
- Own work spaces: In many families there are people who must continue working or studying, so, if there are no work spaces at home, it is important to create them and agree on who takes care of the family while the other one works.
- It is not good to abuse work and use it as a shield, to isolate oneself or to avoid being with the family. Maintaining a balance is ideal. Do not extend work availability beyond what is necessary to have time for leisure, rest and family participation.
- Spaces for solitude: In some moments, when we feel flooded with feelings of fear, rage, sadness, uneasiness, it is good and necessary not to repress and allow this venting. Take advantage of the shower, or lock yourself in a room to talk to your best friend or someone who will listen to you. Or ask for psychological help. Psychologists are currently working on this. For other people it is very therapeutic to do physical exercise, yoga, pilates, or meditate. It is good to do it. Everything in order not to allow the accumulation of emotional discomfort, because this will favor the lack of control of behavior and the increase of psychosomatic reactions.
At this time the situation is testing our ability to cope and the strength of our relationships. It is up to us adults to provide security to our children and to set an example through the decisions we make.
Cherish each day you spend with your loved ones as the best gift that life gives you… and take care of them.