Bullying is an increasingly problematic phenomenon in today’s school landscape. The increased focus on the issue is due in part to its high prevalence, but also to increased research into the event and the serious consequences that are triggered both after suffering it and after perpetrating it.
What is bullying?
Bullying refers to the set of bullying dynamics occurring in the school environment. The social and psychological importance of this event lies in the difficulty that adults have in identifying and recognizing the problem. This is due to several factors, among which the following stand out:
- The great diversity of behaviors of violence that are usually issued by bullies taking into account the different means available to children and adolescents to do so.
- The insidious nature of bullying behaviors, especially at the beginning, which are not explicit and are difficult to identify without careful analysis.
- The silence often kept by the victims, who are ashamed and blame themselves for what happened.
- And the consequences of bullying, which are not immediately noticeable, but appear gradually as the bullying becomes more constant and the child or adolescent begins to be unable to manage his or her emotions and thoughts.
How can parents detect that their children are being bullied?
Probably the question of how to detect if our children are suffering from bullying is one of the doubts that most inflates the concerns of parents who, tired of seeing cases and cases in the media, compulsively ask the little ones to see if they get any clue.
The most important thing, as it always is when talking about child and adolescent psychology, is to have a solid foundation of communication and a safe environment at home where children feel comfortable expressing and talking about their emotions. To achieve this, it is essential to encourage and teach them from a very young age to talk about how they feel and the experiences they have lived, reflecting back to them what they themselves are trying to explain and showing them that there is no emotion that is wrong to feel.
If this environment is achieved, it will be much easier for our sons or daughters to tell us an anecdote that, even if it does not refer directly to bullying (it usually does not), is a sign that something out of the ordinary is happening. If communication is not effective, paying attention to physiological and behavioral changes will be the best source of information at the beginning.
A drop in school performance is usually the most frequent consequence in victims of bullying. The child or adolescent may continue to invest the same hours of study as before, but “things do not stick”. This lack of attentional and memory resources is frequent in depressive or anxiety processes. Other times, the anxiety generated by any aspect related to school may cause them to avoid studying, which many parents identify as a drop in motivation.
This anxiety can turn into a phobia of going to school, generating anticipatory anxiety about going to class or meeting classmates in common areas. When they are younger, tummy aches or headaches in the mornings are very frequent.
Finally, deterioration of self-concept and passive coping (usually involving a misunderstood “don’t care” attitude) are often signs that something out of the ordinary is going on at school or high school.
How can we deal with bullying?
Once bullying behavior has been detected, it is important that specialists in psychology get down to work to help solve the situation, always thinking in the long term. That is to say, it is very important that the situation ends as soon as possible, but more important is the way to do it, because it will depend on this whether or not dysfunctional beliefs and behaviors are consolidated. We offer you small guidelines to carry it out, although, if we do not see ourselves prepared, it is always better to go to a professional.
- First of all, communication: as I have indicated above, generating spaces in which the child can express him/herself without feeling judged or without feeling that the emotions of his/her attachment figures are even more overflowing than his/her own is key. For this, asking with curiosity and care, respecting the child’s time and limits will guarantee that little by little he/she will be encouraged to tell us things.
- Ask and count on their opinion: in this regard, it is also important not to take things for granted and to ask everything. Ask them what things they have already tried and what they have not tried, what things they think will work and what will not, what they think about the adult trying one solution or another, etc.
- Guidance in the management of emotions: to prevent the child’s emotional wound from consolidating and interfering in the rest of the relationships in his life, it is important to provide him with emotional management tools.
Once we have gotten them to talk and trust us, naming the emotions for them, telling them why the emotions are usually triggered and explaining ways to manage them will allow them to process the events in a functional way and not drag them down. Giving them examples of times we ourselves have felt those emotions will help them not to feel alone or “weirdos”.
- Do not encourage “an eye for an eye”: phrases of this type, which encourage violence and revenge, will not solve the problem, but will probably make it worse. In addition, and regardless of their effectiveness in making the situation end, we will be validating and legitimizing the use of violence as a method to achieve objectives. Thus, when the child grows up and can look back with perspective to process what happened to him, he will see that he was no different from the bullies.
- Alert the educational center: schools and institutes are obliged to have and activate an anti-bullying protocol for these cases. Talking to counselors and teachers will help us to better understand the situation, to collaborate with them so that the work with our son or daughter is more effective and that we ourselves manage our own emotions and show the child or adolescent the feeling of having things under control.
What are the consequences for the child?
It is important not to forget the context in which all this happens. The vital moment in which bullying usually occurs is of special relevance in terms of the generation of beliefs and ways of understanding the world and themselves.
In addition, neither the person who bullies nor the person who is bullied has fully developed their emotional management and coping skills. This implies that neither the bully, nor the victim, nor the observers are fully aware of the problem and the consequences it may entail.
Suffering or perpetrating bullying involves experiencing emotionally shocking events at a very early age. This will generate consequent beliefs about themselves and the world and, therefore, an automatic, limited and dysfunctional way of acting and relating to others.
If the problem is not adequately addressed, the consequences will accompany them for the rest of adolescence and adulthood. Seeing a mental health professional as early as possible will ensure the adaptive management of the process and reduce the after-effects.