Psychological experts say that the decision to end a relationship is always a very difficult time for the couple. If the couple also has children in common, the situation becomes more complicated. It is important to know how to communicate this to the children in the best possible way.
The question that most worries the parents at the moment of separation is the way in which they have to communicate to their children the decision to separate, always with the objective that they suffer as little as possible.
When should the children be told?
Choosing the right moment is undoubtedly very important. The first thing to take into account is that the decision is firm, that is to say, that the parents are completely sure that they no longer wish to be together. For children it is painful and very damaging for parents to expose these issues and keep “trying to make it work”. When communicating a divorce to children, you have to be really sure that the process is underway.
What kind of issues need to be decided before communicating a divorce to children?
Ideally, before communicating a divorce to the children, the couple should reach an agreement on everything that will affect their children’s daily lives. For example, where they will live, with whom or how much time they will spend with each other. Keep in mind that the children will ask questions and the parents must be able to answer them. Because by answering their questions they are giving the image that it is a thought-out decision, that it is not an impulse, and that everything is controlled by the adults.
How do we tell them?
When it comes to communicating a divorce there is one fundamental rule: don’t lie. Many people believe that covering up or lying to the child protects him/her from harm. With some exceptions, this is not entirely true. Children grasp more information than we think, and we have to know how to help them organize their information and shape their beliefs. It is not good to say that “daddy is going to work in a new place and that is why he is leaving” when it is not true, arguments of this type only produce insecurity and lack of control in children.
Adapting the language to their age, it is necessary to tell them that “dad and mom no longer get along or no longer love each other as sweethearts, but that they will continue to be their parents and will continue to care for and love them”.
When is the best time?
Once the parents have made the decision to divorce, it is necessary to look for a quiet time when there is no rush, when the family is relaxed at home. Ideally, both parents should talk about it together. With this gesture, the children are given a vision of unity as parents. The right thing to do would be to alternate turns. In other words, the situation should be explained to them in a general way and they should be asked to ask the questions they think are appropriate.
When would it be good for one parent to leave the family home?
We all need some adjustment time to process the information and, of course, so do the children. It must be taken into account that the couple, with the course of events and during the decision making process, has already had time to assimilate the situation, but this is not the case for the children. The children, although they have witnessed arguments or “bad faces”, possibly did not contemplate the idea of the divorce and for them this idea appears for the first time in the moment in which it is communicated to them. It is therefore advisable, before taking the next step, to maintain the cohabitation for at least two weeks. It is not positive for a child to wake up one morning and see that one of his or her parents is no longer there.
How do children usually react?
Separation of parents in itself is not harmful to children. What can cause harm to them is the parents’ failure to cope adequately with the divorce. The children’s adjustment in a positive way is directly proportional to that of their parents.
There are children who want to talk about it all the time and even ask the same questions over and over again. This is logically a good thing and all their questions should be answered with love and patience.
However, there are other children who avoid the subject and do not ask questions at all. In this type of cases, we must be watching their reactions and, without worrying the child, remind them that they can ask all the questions they have because they are still their parents and they love them very much.
When is it necessary to ask for help to a psychologist?
More and more couples, when they decide to separate, turn to a psychologist to guide them through the whole process from the beginning, advising on how to approach the divorce and even on more everyday aspects such as visitation.
In other cases, the families ask for advice when the decision has already been communicated to the children and they are worried that it may be affecting them.
Cases where professional help should be sought are:
- If the child is not able to express feelings and is isolated and sad.
- If there is a significant drop in school performance.
- If the child returns to bedwetting. If the child shows behavioral problems that were not present before.
- If he/she is aggressive with peers and friends.