How to cope with a breakup and what is behind it?

Sometimes love is extinguished. At other times there is betrayal, disappointment or disillusionment. However, in most cases it happens that, although there is still love, one is aware that it is better to leave the relationship, due to different circumstances.

Differences in couples are normal, but sometimes they cannot be overcome.

Differences in couples are inevitable and it is a reality that, if not managed well, can end in a breakup. Having the occasional conflict does not have to lead to separation. These can occur at an adaptive level of the couple and, with some effort, putting both on their side, the balance can be recovered. However, there are cases where reconciliation is not possible, and ending a relationship is, as a rule, very hard.

According to a study by Drs. Sbarra and Borelli, from the University of Denver, published in 2018 in the Journal of Family Psychology say that: “leaving our commitment to someone generates emotional pain, a dimension often complicated to handle”, and they add: “when couples do not share their life project it is likely that, once the initial infatuation phase has passed, they will have difficulties to stay together. Living through a breakup can be a painful experience to face, since you lose something you have had and valued. You leave behind a shared space, an already truncated project and a legacy of memories that you will have to manage in the best possible way”.

Once a couple breaks up, it is necessary to redefine oneself.

When a breakup occurs, it is necessary to redefine a series of fundamental aspects that not everyone does properly because the brain, emotions and thoughts are still anchored in the (ex) partner. It is “normal” to feel sad, and that invades the person: negative thoughts increase, memories and past habits come to mind continuously, which can make it difficult to let go of our old relationship. It is difficult to be objective and strong enough to overcome grief. Even if we know that life goes on, it is hard to assume that we will do so without our partner.

After a breakup, it is recommended to start the mourning process, accept reality and reorganize our personal, social and family life. Mourning is a psychological process that allows us to adapt to the emotional and physical loss. Sometimes it begins even before the separation “materializes” because the support of the partner is no longer available, and the idealization is lost.

In this sense, Sbarra and Borelli say: “being able to shape a grief generates a high psychological and emotional benefit”, and add: “everyone in their own time and in their own way, will manage to adapt to the new situation, reconstruct the experience and move on, managing to overcome the breakup”, “For most people, grief is a complex process and certain people find it extremely difficult and fail to adapt to the new situation, remaining trapped in pain and anger, striving to eliminate the other from their life without being able to move forward. If grief freezes, the separation becomes destructive, stagnant and prolonged.”

Guidelines to better overcome a breakup:

1. Accept the breakup. It is important to assume what happened without rancor, without anger and without blockage. The negative emotions will become less intense every day and will allow the creation of new routines. It is essential to close chapters, to give meaning to what we have lived and to choose to start a new stage in our life.
2. To lead a constructive separation, no matter how much it costs. How the routine is managed will determine the impact it may have on the people involved, especially if the couple has children. Each one has to assume his or her share of responsibility and a new role in the current stage, expressing pain, establishing clear limits and preventing, above all, third parties from being involved. If the couple has children, it is important to remember that they are no longer a couple but not parents. These roles should be respected and never involve the children in the conflict. On the other hand, it is not recommended to start a new relationship without having overcome the previous grief, since old emotions and inappropriate habits may be projected.
3. Live the grief and accept its phases. We must accept that we will not be able to regain stability and happiness in a very short period of time. Everyone needs time: suffering, feeling empty and crying are realities to overcome the breakup. It is necessary to live each phase of grief, expressing emotions and letting it take its course. We must avoid self-deception and say: “nothing is happening”, “I don’t care”, when in fact it is affecting us, and it is normal. When the time comes, we must recover and schedule new routines and things to do.
4. Do not give in to the temptation to go back. When the breakup is relatively recent we feel vulnerable, so it is appropriate to wait a reasonable time to make decisions, to overcome the breakup.
5. Sometimes it is necessary professional help and psychological therapy or family mediation in case of conflict.
6. Although sometimes loneliness is scary, it is an experience that is accompanied by learning and personal growth.

Therefore, as far as possible, it would be appropriate:

• Adjust our way of thinking. Lauren Howe and Carol Dweck, from Stanford University in the United States, published an article in 2016 that explained how to overcome a breakup. After many interviews and sessions with patients in the midst of the grieving process, they realized that seeking social support and meeting people helped to overcome the trauma: “If we are in company, we will make more plans, have conversations, have fun, meet new people and, in short, open new doors in our lives”.
• Remember, even if it’s hard to admit, “life goes on”. Don’t stop after a breakup. We may not feel like doing everything we did before. Physical and easy inactivity leads to negative thoughts, creating vicious circles of distorted thoughts and this prevents us from processing a change in our life, since not everything revolves around our relationship. In life there are many important elements. We have friends, family, work and, above all, ourselves. Let us not only focus on what we have lost, but let us value what we are and be grateful for all that we have. This will help us to be in a new vital stage.

And, if we cannot overcome this grief due to a breakup of a couple, we should seek professional psychological help where we will give tools for a new life. From PsicologiaBCN we give you all that energy, strength and self-confidence to undertake a new life project.