Self-demanding too much is not a good thing, even though most people do it. It is something that, moreover, is accentuated in the case of working mothers, who are in the position of having to “carry” everything and prove their worth constantly. Ms. Neus García, a specialist in Psychology, explains when we should worry about suffering from stress or anxiety, and how to avoid it.
It is considered that a person suffers from stress and anxiety when the worry about everyday things is excessive or begins to have recurring thoughts. For the patient suffering from anxiety any event can generate fear, negative thoughts, panic attacks and persistent physical symptoms.
But while in fear the cause is known, in anxiety the cause is hidden. Fear originates as a response to an external threat, while anxiety is related to the experience of an internalized threat.
When somatic manifestations are present: tachycardia, choking, dizziness, nausea, trembling, sweating, etc., we can speak of anxiety. It can also manifest itself through a state of tension through contractures, cramps, tiredness, headaches, etc., as well as through thoracic constriction and cardiac oppression.
When something we used to enjoy ceases to be a source of well-being. For example, a patient explained to me that she had always liked dancing very much, but lately instead of enjoying it, she was having a bad time and ended up stopping dancing. She felt it was because she was unwell and could not enjoy anything. The patient began to dance and entered into a loop of self-demands and impositions without realizing it, which ended up overwhelming her, so that she ended up leaving, without understanding what was happening to her and was left with the idea that she was bad and no longer enjoyed anything.
The dangerous situations that give rise to anxiety as an alarm are:
- Loss of esteem of the other
- Fear of inadequacy
- Fear of censure and criticism of oneself.
The function of anxiety is to announce to the “I” the proximity of a danger, whether it really exists in the external world or only exists in the psyche of the subject.
What are the consequences of “wanting to reach everything” and not being able to do so?
First of all, we must differentiate between positive and negative demands. In the former, we demand something that we can do, something realistic, we carry it out and it gives us satisfaction and, therefore, well-being. In the second, what we demand of ourselves is not possible and, therefore, no matter how much we do, we never get there, which generates dissatisfaction and, therefore, discomfort.
When negative demands become the frequent way of functioning, the discomfort becomes internalized and the symptoms of stress and anxiety begin to appear.
Whenever the person is faced with pressures and demands that he/she cannot cope with due to lack of resources or time, he/she experiences a state of anxiety, tension, fatigue. This destabilization of health with accompanying symptoms is identified as stress. An internal relationship is established in which the impositions of everything that has to be done and the recriminations of what has not been possible or has not been done well enough predominate.
If everything is achieved, it is not the solution either, since it implies the sacrifice of the person’s life.
To function at the whistle implies not taking into account the needs, since there is no time for it. It goes too fast, which means that the person does not see him or herself and ends up not knowing what the true desire is, acting and making his or her own what is really the desire of the other person.
When we do not direct our life according to our deepest desires we receive messages that warn us that something is not going well and these messages are communicated through getting sick, physically and/or emotionally.
Why do we demand so much of ourselves? Is it society that conditions us in this way?
The socio-cultural pressure, transmitted and enhanced by the media and advertising “educates” the population. The advertising to which we are exposed every day shows us as if we had to have an ideal, perfect life. This type of advertising has serious consequences.
This is very clear in the incorporation of women into the world of work without a parallel balanced distribution of family burdens. This has led to the appearance of physical and mental health problems specific to women arising from these living and working conditions.
At the same time, women often feel that they have to prove that they have more skills than their male colleagues in order to gain access to a specific position. It still happens that women have to demonstrate, while men are assumed to be capable. This implies a higher degree of demand.
They face a problem motivated by the social expectation of their responsibilities. There is a “demand” that they fulfill their obligations as mothers, as housewives, without lowering their work performance.
When this double burden causes them to fall short, they feel that they do not meet their expectations, dissatisfaction appears, which leads to a state of stress and anxiety. Then the idea of the “superwoman” appears, that is, the woman who not only takes care of the home and children, but also has a successful work life and, in addition, time to take care of her image.
The woman enters into a state of irritability, finds herself and lives exhausted by so many days of activity and excessive responsibilities without asking for help so as not to disturb.
The perfect woman syndrome is more frequent than it seems. There are many women who want to be ideal mothers, perfect housewives and have a successful professional career.
Those who develop this syndrome are people who are very demanding, perfectionist and with obsessive traits. It is difficult for them to delegate, set limits and say no. They feel guilty for not meeting the expectations they believe others have of them. They do not ask themselves if the life they lead satisfies them, pending to fulfill everything, with endless lists.
This organization of life leads to anxiety in its various manifestations (pain, contractures, choking, digestive disorders, etc.). With a constant feeling of guilt, with the sensation of not arriving, of failing, accompanied by a sad mood, combined with a tense and hyperactive state.
How to avoid being overwhelmed by daily pressure
If we think about women who are mothers and work, we will have in mind that work can be a source of satisfaction or a source of stress depending on the woman’s attitude. If she considers that childcare and housework must be shared with her husband, in an equality of roles. If she can be aware that perfection does not exist, that she is not a machine. We are imperfect people and that is what makes us unique. Therefore, at many times, especially when children are young, you will need help and you must be able to ask for it.
Women in positions of responsibility, when they are mothers, are faced with the dilemma that one thing or the other requires exclusive dedication. There is no choice but to make a decision: either reduce the time spent at work or reduce the time spent with the children.
To the fatigue accumulated during the working day must be added the fatigue caused by family tasks and there is no time for physical recovery. Insufficient physical recovery and insufficient attention to the first symptoms of stress can lead in many cases to the onset of chronic pain.
It is essential to pay attention to the first symptoms that appear so that they do not worsen. It can be summarized in that it is essential that the woman looks at herself with attention and interest, that she can realize how she is in order to give herself what she needs, as well as it is essential to recognize that she is not getting there and to look for help. If she loses connection with herself she is heading towards danger.
Appropriate therapy for anxiety and stress
Psychodynamic psychotherapy is the therapy that manages to solve the immediate problem and prevent it from recurring in the future. It is a technique that seeks to understand the relationship of anxiety with what is happening inside the person, how the events of his life are affecting him internally.
The person learns to look at himself, to be connected with himself, to know what his deepest desires are. This will allow him to direct his life according to his real needs, not those imposed by the canons of society.
Psychodynamic psychotherapy allows the person to deal with his or her problems in a different way than before. The psychologist tries to understand in an objective way, without judgment or praise, and this awakens the hope of being able to understand what is happening to you and modify it.
Since the attack of August 17 on the Ramblas in Barcelona, anxiety disorders have increased. In reality, when we put pressure on ourselves, without taking into account our needs, our true desires, it is a way of attacking ourselves.
When we observe in the external reality what we are suffering inside, without being aware of it, then we identify ourselves and that suffering is amplified. It seems that the attack is the only thing that causes anxiety and, in reality, it is what is happening inside oneself, but we do not realize it.
Psychodynamic psychotherapy is dedicated to exploring, relating and understanding so that the person can free him/herself from what generates suffering.