There is a belief that ignoring a child when he or she has a tantrum, complains, or annoys others is not discipline, but ignoring is not always bad. Children’s behavior can be maintained depending on the attention they receive. Negative attention, such as yelling or scolding, can be a reward for them. On the other hand, ignoring them is a very effective management technique that can eliminate day-to-day problems in children’s lives. If parents are consistent in this technique, the child will eventually understand that acting in this way has no reward, so gradually realizes that he or she will not get any reward and stops acting that way. However, at the beginning there may be an increase in the frequency of the behavior we are trying to avoid. This strategy works in inappropriate behaviors that are not dangerous and do not require immediate intervention, for example, tantrums, teasing, minor fights, snot picking, etc. In the event that the behaviors may involve harm to the child, such as banging his head against the wall, playing with the kitchen stove or a knife, leaning out of the window, etc., ignoring them can be a problem.
Ignoring our child can be a big challenge for parents, however, the results are guaranteed in most cases. When we start to ignore our children, doubts and problems may arise. Dr. Pilar Gamazo talks about 10 tips to avoid negative behaviors of your child.
1. Avoid eye contact and discuss with your child if you are going to ignore.
Even when the child is thought to be ignored, parents may sometimes continue to look at the child or make gestures, which the child understands as attention. The parent’s expression should be neutral and no eye contact should be maintained and no discussion should be initiated. Ignoring the child means physically distancing oneself from the child, especially if the parents were close to the child when the child acted badly.
2. Ignore regularly
When ignoring, most children react by escalating their negative behavior to see if their parents pay attention to them. When parents start ignoring misbehaviors, these behaviors can get worse. That’s why parents need to be prepared and maintain a firm attitude so that the behavior improves. If we give up, children understand that misbehavior is the easiest way to get what they want. If this technique is used, be prepared and wait for a period of time until the child changes his behavior.
3. Distract the child
Ignoring does not mean that there is nothing positive. Also, if you do not look for a distraction or a different option than what the child wants to do, it can create conflict between the parents and the child and the child will continue to misbehave. However, if the distraction means bad behavior again, then you need to start ignoring them again. Another way to ignore them is to use self-distraction. If you are ignoring a child who is having a tantrum, you can go into another room and make comments about things that are happening outside the home. At that point the misbehavior may stop, but you need to be monitoring the child and reinforcing positive behaviors. Leaving the room may work when the child asks for physical attention.
4. Ignoring to work on self-control
Some parents feel that ignoring their children may be disrespectful to their self-esteem. Others may feel that some behaviors need discipline. Studies show that ignoring is a form of discipline because it maintains a very positive relationship between parent and child that is based on respect, not fear. By ignoring the child, you show that you can maintain self-control, even if there is conflict. If you do not get angry about this type of behavior, the child will understand that there is no reward and that the behavior is not worth continuing.
5. Limit the number of behaviors to ignore.
Some parents ignore infrequently, while others ignore too much. Ignoring children’s misbehaviors is fine, but give them attention, support and approval when these behaviors are overdone. In the case of ignoring several behaviors at the same time, children may feel abandoned, so it is important to specify the behaviors to be ignored. This will be easier for both of you.
6. Which behaviors can be ignored?
The questions to ignore and where to ignore them should be chosen carefully. It would not be good to do it in a place where you receive attention from other people… Neither should behaviors such as lying, stealing or not obeying be ignored. The behaviors to ignore should be crying, screaming, anger, etc. In other words, aggressive or dangerous behaviors should not be ignored. In more serious cases a stronger consequence such as time off or loss of a privilege at home would be necessary.
7. The importance of giving attention to positive behaviors.
Some parents get too involved in their own activities and ignore their children’s activities. That is, if our child behaves well, shares his toys or plays peacefully, these are behaviors that should not be ignored, because if they are, they tend to disappear. Parents tend to react only when the child acts negatively and ignore when the child behaves well, which favors negative attitudes.
8. Pay attention when possible
There are times when some parents feel tired of their children’s misbehaviors, so they do not pay attention to what they are doing right. It is vitally important that when the child stops misbehaving, attention is given again and praise is given for what the child does well. It is the combination of both attitudes that will change the cycle of negative behaviors.
9. Subtle Ignoring
Sometimes parents can act dramatically when they ignore their children. If the child is misbehaving and exaggerating gestures or leaving the room, it can have a reinforcing effect on the child’s misbehavior, because what the child has done has had an intense emotional response from the parents.
10. Stay in control of the situation
Imagine you are late for work and your child doesn’t want to put his shoes on. You tell him that if he doesn’t hurry up he’ll stay home with all the consequences that entails. He continues to dawdle and she goes outside and waits for him. Threats to children have to be accompanied by a real consequence, otherwise the child will respond since he knows you are not going to do it. At this point the parent loses control. In addition, this type of threats can create a problem of self-esteem, producing insecurity. The above strategies are better because they are based on mutual respect rather than fear of abandonment.
The technique of ignoring will not improve behavior unless a trusting and positive relationship has been established. However, ignoring negative behaviors will not increase positive behaviors, so it is necessary to reinforce positive behaviors when the child performs them. As already mentioned, when ignoring it is important to avoid eye contact, to physically move away, although it is possible to stay in the same room. Also, be subtle, be prepared for the child to test you and ignore regularly. Choose specific behaviors to ignore and make sure they can be ignored, limit the number of behaviors to ignore and give attention for positive behaviors.