7 questions about couples therapy

What are the main myths about couples therapy?

For example, that the effectiveness of couple’s therapy lies in the fact that they manage to stay together for life, even if the couple is very deteriorated. There are many reasons that indicate to the psychologist that it is not possible to work towards staying together:

1. One of the two partners comes with a firm decision that he or she does not want to continue, even if he or she has not dared to tell the other out of fear. The other person is hopeful. In this case the main objective of therapy will be to communicate the decision already made and to help in the reception of the news.
2. One of the two partners is stuck in a personal problem of any kind: psychological or personal growth, life circumstance, family ….. This present problem does not allow him/her to meet the demands of an adult life as a couple. The objective in this case would be to reduce the demands compatible with a conjugal life and to focus on that member so that he/she can reestablish balance. Once this objective has been achieved, they would be ready to start couple therapy. Previously, we would have worked on cohabitation therapy in parallel with the individual therapy of the person who needs it.
3. One of the partners is hurting the other. Limits have been exceeded and it is difficult to control insults, shouting or even physical aggression. We could think that when you start a couple therapy you have to start from degree 0. If both are in a negative degree (love is not enough) you have to give individual sessions. You have to work with them until they reach that degree through empathy. When they are ready because their understanding has increased, joint sessions and individual sessions will be combined.

And what are the most common problems that people complain about in the first interviews with the psychologist?

In general, they complain that their partners are selfish, that they complain about everything. Either he or she comes with a very contaminated perception of what their partner is like. No matter how you explain or argue, once you have the preconceived idea or label of what the other party is like there is no credibility in your words. One’s belief in oneself is above the other’s actions to disprove them. Nothing other than that universal truth is perceived.

Let me give an example to make it easier to understand. Let’s suppose that Marta thinks that Javier is talking to his mother on the phone for a long time. At a given moment Marta has complained and Javier has reduced this communication time. It is likely that Marta does not perceive this decrease unless it is radical, so the effort to change is usually not perceived. In therapy, one of the tasks is to make conscious the efforts and the request for complaints that are very detailed.

The problem par excellence in the couple is understanding and communication. Derived from these we find a system of erroneous or distorted interpretation or perception. The learning is a healthy communication, without “door closers”, without defenses and a training of empathy. 99% of the couples who come for consultation have empathy below what is desirable.

Other topics of consultation are: the couple’s family of origin (mine may give me more problems, but I will complain about the other party), reasons for infidelity or a problem of jealousy with a continuous need for proof of love.

Many people have doubts about the moment when it is worthwhile to take the step and count on the help of psychologists to improve the state of their relationship. What signs show that it is time to attend therapy?

Unfortunately most couples come late, this does not mean that there is no remedy but that the work is more laborious. Therapy is a space for communication and all couples argue. It is sad to consider going to a professional when there is already a noticeable deterioration.

The ideal is to go to a psychologist when one of the two does not feel comfortable. We advise not to let time pass to see if it is solved. At Capital Psicólogos, we distinguish degrees of deterioration.

If Marta complains that Javier does not understand her and Javier complains that Marta does not understand him, when they go for consultation we work on this understanding, but… what happens when this situation of NO UNDERSTANDING has been going on for a long time? Well, there will be collateral or consequential damages that will also have to be worked on in addition to the first. Likewise, what happens if much more time has passed since these collateral damages have already occurred? Well, defenses and protections will be built that predominate over the well-being of the couple.

Based on the previous example, the longer it takes to go to a specialist in psychology, the more we run the risk of building what we call the “snowball effect”: the longer it takes to detect that there is a problem, the less patience, the more frustration and the less capacity for investment and, therefore, the more difficult it will be to repair and overcome it.

In what situations do couples therapy professionals understand that it does not make sense to accept a case?

If one of the partners in the therapeutic process maintains a non-consensual relationship outside the couple. This information may or may not be known by the therapist. In either case it makes no sense.

If the psychologist is not aware, he/she will accept the case, but in the end incongruent situations will be exposed. Each of the members counts on the confidentiality of the psychologist, that is why it is important to receive the best help the sincerity on the part of each one. Unfortunately this is not always the case.

Also in those cases in which you send tasks to do at home and one of the two members is very willing in session, but then when he/she comes to the next appointment he/she has not done anything. In these cases it is necessary to carry out an individualized therapy with this member to help him/her to become aware of a conjugal commitment.

What are the phases through which the process of reinforcement of the affective bond goes through during the couple’s therapy sessions?

In the methodology of Capital Psicólogos for couples and families, systemic therapy predominates, which is integrated with the latest generation of therapies in which it usually goes through the following stages:

1. Rules of coexistence: this is a stage prior to couple therapy. Necessary to initiate it. When working, for example, a division of tasks there is a remarkable improvement and sometimes means the resolution of the couple’s problems.
2. Awareness of the problem: one of the two comes with the complaint, but the other party is unaware of what is happening or does not understand it. It may happen that the one who complains is the one who has the problem. The psychologist helps to delimit the elements to be trained.
3. Understanding perceptions: empathy training. Dynamics and exercises to put oneself in the partner’s shoes. This stage is difficult but clarifying.
4. Damage repair: sometimes something is broken inside, it is wounded and the other member has to repair it. The ability to make the damage conscious, the power to repair it and the ability to forgive are trained.
5. Construction of objectives and commitments: once the first 3 stages have been overcome and being aware of what is happening, plus the information from the therapist, it is time to initiate one’s own actions to experience changes. Accepting commitments and receiving care.
6. Fluid communication from understanding: generalize at home what is learned in consultation. We understand that the presence of the therapist helps to express and each member feels protected if he/she is harmed. With the therapeutic practice one learns to repair one’s own damage and that of one’s partner without doing more damage; repetition of patterns is returned so that the couple can train different skills.
7. Expression and acceptance of criticism: at this stage you are ready to listen to your partner’s criticisms. Communication at this stage has already evolved and it is possible to intervene in this area.
8. Autonomous negotiation of the couple: it is a matter of learning the art of love and putting it into practice on a daily basis. At this stage, only supervision by the psychologist is exercised.

What is expected of the people who attend these sessions in order to recover or improve their marriage or courtship? In what aspects do they have to show commitment?

As a psychologist, I don’t expect anything, but I do trust them to learn. You just have to give them the right information and tools so that they can transform unpleasant realities into harmony. No one wants arguments and the key is to understand. Once this understanding is given, the couple inevitably moves forward. And if it does not, it is because the basic component, love, does not exist.

The commitment is chosen by them, it is true that you drive the objectives, but you will never impose a commitment that one of the two do not understand. They explain themselves so that they can count on the power of choice. In conclusion, the therapist does not ask for compromises, he exposes that there are actions incompatible with a couple relationship, he explains and dynamics are carried out to interanalyze. From this point on, the couple has the power of choice that it did not have before. Just as the partner is chosen by choice and it is not an imposed relationship, free choices are also made in the conjugal lifestyle.

Finally, could you tell us about a couple that has undergone a very radical transformation for the better?

Well, the last couple this week was a beautiful session. A couple with an average age of 70 years. They were living together chronically in isolation from each other. They spoke to each other in grunts and did not enjoy the person next to them. They didn’t even share watching TV, and their communication was heavily tainted by put-downs and labels. They had become accustomed to this type of style of living together.

They each attended several sessions separately. My co-therapist and I do not see them ready to initiate a conversation even in a control situation, with us in front of them. They are given resources and information. They are exposed to how they each experience the situation, how they perceive, interpret and react to it.

In the first joint session there is not even a minimum of glances, there is a monopolization of the word on the part of one of the two. Focused on the changes the other has to make. There is crying, anger and harshness in the treatment by both of them.

After about 5 individual sessions and 2 joint sessions, a third joint session is held in which they already have information and an exact awareness of what is happening. In this last session there are direct glances in the eyes, contact approach, a reparation of the damage on the part of one of the two. But most importantly: there is a protection from being judged, a perception of the intention to repair for the first time, the other’s words feel real: the session was a gift. One of the phrases that stayed with me was: “I would never ever have thought of his acknowledgement of the harm he did to me… in fact, I would never even have thought of being able to talk about it… let alone asking for forgiveness and knowing that this request is sincere”.

I have to admit that I find couple therapies super romantic and precious. I get wrapped up in the magic of the process.