Assertiveness is the communicative ability to set limits and know how to say “no”, defending our opinions and positions. It is a communication style that allows us to defend our rights without attacking others. It is not synonymous with conviction or persuasion, since we can defend our ideas without others changing theirs.
Developing assertiveness and putting it into practice is fundamental to achieving good health. It not only has a very good impact on our self-esteem, but also allows us to set the necessary limits to our environment to take care of ourselves, both physically and mentally. Who has not gotten into a tough and unwanted situation for not saying no?
Lack of assertiveness and the fear of “being rude”.
Undoubtedly there are many people who have not adequately developed this ability to set limits and, in fact, it is something that is very noticeable in consultation. The main reason for this inability to set limits is the social confusion between “being assertive” and “being rude”. Often, for fear of being socially punished, one may fall into the opposite category, which would be “being complacent”.
However, we must remember, as I mentioned before, that assertiveness consists of setting limits and defending ourselves without attacking others, that is to say that it must be done with empathy and kindness, the opposite of what we understand as “being rude”.
On the other hand, the word “no” has in itself negative connotations, so we do not like to use it very much, however useful it may be.
Lack of assertiveness may also respond to rigid ideas that do not fit reality, such as: “everyone has to like me”, “if I tell them “no” they will hate me”, “I will lose my friends if I do not help them with everything they ask for”, among others.
Lack of assertiveness in the work environment
In general, people who are not assertive tend to be so in almost all areas of their lives, which causes them great dissatisfaction and the feeling that they do not have the reins of their own lives, but that others are in charge. But it is true that the work area is especially sensitive.
Socially we learn to be very compliant in our work, which is not bad. However, if we are not careful, we can end up overloaded and generate very unhealthy dynamics for us. This is the case of people who, by not saying no, end up being the reference worker to fix any problem or inconvenience, which does not allow them to move forward with their own tasks and generates more stress and anxiety.
How can I work on assertiveness?
Depending on what are the barriers that are preventing the person from being assertive, we work on some areas or others. It may be that the person does not have the tools to communicate assertively, i.e. does not know how to structure his speech or how to express his ideas firmly, in which case we work with the aim of acquiring these tools.
In cases where the barrier is found in irrational ideas, we work on the flexibility and change of such rigid ideas associated with social punishment.
In any case, regardless of what one’s own barriers are, what makes us master and feel comfortable with an assertive communication style is practice.